Yours Truly Page 8

  The dead plastic in the dead machines, the charred remains of their former lives, were long forgotten. All they could hear was the sound of the seabirds, the cry of the curlews and lapwings and the soaring song of the sky larks in summer, for the birds had thrived and multiplied, and now sang anthems from every shattered wall and broken doorway.

  All the people knew, in their very hard and almost brutal lives of survival, was a world in which they didn’t complain or long for anything, except to sit round the fires and enjoy their meagre food, a place of safety and warmth where new songs were being sung and paintings were being beautifully created on wood and stone. Young people fell in love, made love, had children, but the new families belonged to the village, the survivors. Indeed, everyone belonged to everyone and there were no individuals intent on ‘finding themselves’ at the expense of others, because they knew that they survived together or perished alone. There were, of course, arguments, quarrels, accidents, tragedies and heart-breaking bereavements, but even those harsh events gave rise to song and story and memorial and healing.

  For these fortunate people, gathering round their fires and eating their meals and looking each other in the eye with confidence, had learnt how to be present. They had learnt how to live purely in the present moment and, in that joyful experience in the context of a desperate world, they had found the one gift they had lost when the ‘Pandora’s box’ of technology had been opened so long ago.

  They had found Hope.

  The Newcomer

  Two angels were standing at the gates of heaven. The senior angel, Wing Commander Luminous, was scanning the horizon with a pair of golden binoculars. His young companion, Flying Officer Cumulus, was pacing backwards and forwards in a state of great excitement. She could hardly contain herself.

  ‘Gosh, Commander! Who do you think it’s going to be? Maybe a Roman emperor or a king or famous poet!’

  ‘Possibly,’ murmured Luminous thoughtfully, adjusting the focus on his binoculars. ‘It’s certainly going to be somebody mighty special.’

  ‘Just think,’ said Cumulus, flapping her wings joyfully, ‘the first person to arrive in paradise after the gates have been thrown open. What a privilege!’

  Luminous suddenly lowered his binoculars and stood very still. ‘Stand to attention, Flying Officer. Here he comes.’

  With that, a figure hurtled through the gates at great speed, tumbling through the air, then dropped suddenly but slowly into the glorious meadow all around them. He lay there for a while, spread-eagled in the flowers and utterly bewildered. He kept shaking his head in disbelief.

  The two angels watched in puzzled silence.

  Finally, the man staggered upright. He was ill-kempt, unshaven and had clearly not had a bath for a very long time. He wiped his nose on his sleeve. He then began to look around in sheer amazement.

  ‘’E weren’t jokin’, neither,’ he said.

  Luminous and Cumulus exchanged anxious glances.

  Luminous spoke first. ‘I’m sorry, sir?’

  The ragged figure continued to look around in awe. ‘’E weren’t jokin’ about ’is kingdom an’ that!’

  Luminous smiled awkwardly. ‘I beg your pardon?’

  The man walked up to him, a little too close for comfort. ‘This is paradise, innit, guv?’

  Cumulus laughed nervously. ‘Yes.’

  The man swept his arm around the glorious scene. ‘Terrific, eh?’

  Luminous took a step backwards, trying to take control of the situation. ‘Er . . . We like it, sir.’

  ‘Like it? Do us a favour! This is fantastic. Look at them trees towerin’ like a thousand feet high, wiv every leaf shimmerin’ like a gold bar an’ all that stuff.’

  There was an uneasy pause as Luminous moved over to the heavenly reception desk and shuffled through some papers. He looked up, officiously. ‘Do you have any credentials, sir?’

  ‘Wot?’ said the man, unhelpfully.

  ‘Papers. Identification. A Certificate of Approval?’

  ‘Got a copy of me death warrant. That any good?’

  Luminous was beginning to feel flustered. ‘I – I think there’s been some mistake.’ He closed the file on the desk rather abruptly.

  Cumulus stepped forward brightly, in a valiant attempt to lighten the mood. ‘What my colleague means is, er, what have you done in your life that might give you entrance to . . .’

  ‘Done?’ said the man, wheeling on her in the most alarming way. ‘You mean, done in?’

  ‘I’m sorry?’

  ‘Done in. I mean, I’ve done in a few people, worked ’em over. Done a bit of blag, y’know, a few good earners, robberies wiv violence, GBH. Yeah, I been around in my time, but never seen no place like this.’

  With that, the bizarre new arrival walked off, gazing at the wonders around him with all the fascination of a very small boy. Meanwhile, Luminous took the opportunity to swiftly take Cumulus aside.

  ‘Who is responsible for checking the register of newcomers at the gate?’ he whispered urgently. ‘Aren’t you supposed to be on duty, Flying Officer?’

  ‘With respect, Commander,’ Cumulus ruffled her wings in agitation, ‘my duty is next millennium.’

  Luminous ignored this, waving his hand impatiently. ‘Well, even though technically the doors are now wide open, there’s still got to be somebody doing a spot of eternal vigilance. Now we’ve got a gatecrasher at the banquet!’

  The unsavoury character wandered around happily. ‘Look at them flowers like diamonds! I tell yer, if I’d known about this place and seen all this gear, I wouldn’t ’ave bothered wiv that job on Pontius Pilate’s country residence. No way. I’d ’ave been up ’ere an’ ripped this place off. And yet, funny innit . . .’ He turned back to the two angels. ‘All them lovely things an’ that, an’ I ’aven’t put one in me pocket. I ask yer. Me! Ron the Con! It’s a laugh, innit?’

  Luminous gulped audibly. ‘What did you say your name was?’

  ‘Ron the Con. Get it? Y’know. Tony the Phoney, Bill the Kill.’

  Cumulus gasped. ‘Did you say Bill the Kill?’

  ‘Yeah, told yer, I done me fair share, then I got pulled in – I got lumbered, didn’t I? Well, I ask yer. I didn’t know it were Pontius’ joint, did I? Course, it were crawlin’ wiv Roman filth, weren’t it? The whole flippin’ Ninth Legion, no less, an’ so I got me collar felt.’

  ‘You had what?’ Luminous, who spoke a great many languages, was having trouble with this one.

  ‘Are you deaf or summat? I was sussed, weren’t I? Wiv the bung in me ’and – all the jewels an’ that – wiv me dagger still fresh from the job, drippin’ wiv blood all over the shop.’

  ‘You killed someone with your dagger?’ Cumulus suddenly became very high-pitched.

  The criminal stepped right up to her face and said, ‘Well, I didn’t tickle ’im under the chin. What’s up wiv you lot?’

  Luminous pulled Cumulus back to safety. He was now on the edge of panic. ‘I’m sorry.’ He glanced over his shoulder at the criminal. ‘There’s been a dreadful administrative error.’

  Cumulus looked at the Wing Commander with her deep and dazzling eyes. ‘But just suppose, Commander . . .’

  ‘Suppose what?’

  ‘That we have made a dreadful error,’ she whispered meekly.

  Luminous nearly exploded. ‘Impossible! Angels do not make errors.’

  There was a long pause before Cumulus replied quietly, ‘Lucifer made a pretty big one.’

  ‘Now look here! Are you saying . . .’

  ‘I’m just saying that, well, there are things even angels do not understand yet. Maybe . . .’

  Luminous rose to his full height, which was quite a lot taller than Cumulus, and gazed down at her severely. ‘You’re not trying to tell me that all these trumpets and hallelujahs and the splendid apparel and gallivanting around rejoicing and banqueting all over the place are for the benefit of a common CRIMINAL!’ He said this far too loudly and was forced to turn round
and smile politely at the intruder, who seemed blissfully unaware of the consternation he was causing.

  Luminous turned back to Cumulus. ‘This is outrageous! It’s back to front!’ He shook his head. ‘I – I’m sorry. I can’t believe this. I shall have to go to the top and get official verification.’ With that, he flew off abruptly and rather haphazardly, his wing tip nearly brushing against the criminal, who was still exploring the garden with great delight.

  Cumulus called after her superior, in sudden desperation, ‘But, Commander – don’t leave me on my own, he might be dangerous!’

  She turned round, hoping to make her own escape, but almost bumped into the ruffian, who was standing right behind her.

  ‘Ah, still here, are you?’ she said weakly.

  ‘Yeah,’ he said, with that strange mixture of menace and enjoyment. ‘Yeah, I thought I’d ’ave a good look round.’

  ‘Oh well, that’s nice. Good, umm . . . May I ask who sent you here?’

  ‘Funny you should ask that,’ said the criminal. ‘I don’t know ’is name, actually. I think it was somefin’ beginnin’ wiv J. He were on the cross next to me.’

  Cumulus was shaken, overwhelmed. In one split second, she realized the awesome significance of what he had said. ‘You mean – the Lamb of God, the Holy One, the Prince of Peace!’

  ‘No, not any of those,’ said the criminal thoughtfully. ‘Jesus. That’s it! That were the feller’s name.’

  Cumulus bowed low to the ground, in deepest adoration at the very mention of the sacred name.

  ‘’Ere, what’s up wiv you? Got stomach cramp or somefin’?’

  ‘O blessed Lord,’ said Cumulus, her tears flowing. ‘May glory be given to your name!’

  ‘Jesus,’ repeated the criminal, savouring the name himself. ‘Yeah, that was ’is name and, funny thing, it sounds like music as I says it – Jesus . . . There we were, both dyin’, only me for me crimes an’ that, caught at it – got me just deserts – but ’im, what ’ad ’e done? Nuffin’. I could see that, couldn’t I? Do us a favour. I thought, “Wot’s a poor Charlie like that wind up on death row for?”’

  He shook his head in amazement as the images came flooding back to him. ‘Then I knew ’e were no ordinary geezer. There was somefin’ about ’im. Fear. I saw it – not in ’im, no! – in them, religious leaders an’ that. They were in a right funk, weren’t they? Knees knockin’! I saw their game – they were standin’ around watchin’ to check ’e didn’t leap off. I kid you not! Now whoever leapt off a cross, eh? Give us a break!’

  Soon, he was completely transported, as the final moments of his whole life came back with all their force. ‘Different, ’e were. Talkin’ about ’is kingdom. Mumblin’, people weepin’, holdin’ on to ’is feet an’ ’im talkin’ about comin’ into ’is kingdom. I said, “Listen, mate, remember me when you get into that kingdom.” Then ’e looked at me. You never seen nothin’ like them eyes – lookin’, searchin’, probin’ into me soul. An’ then ’e says – straight out, clear as a bell – ’e says, “This day you shall be wiv me in paradise.”’

  The criminal paused and slowly nodded his head. ‘That were the nicest thing anyone ’ad said to me all day. “Paradise? Where’s that?” I says. An ’e said nuffin’. ’E smiled. In that agony, ’e smiled. I didn’t know where paradise were an’ that, but if ’e were gonna be there, I wanted to be in on the act. Know what I mean?’

  Cumulus was still lost in wonder, love and praise, with all the criminal’s astonishing words ringing in her ears, when Luminous landed suddenly and rather clumsily beside her. He hastily called her to one side.

  ‘This is very embarrassing.’

  ‘I know,’ whispered Cumulus, still spellbound.

  ‘We’ve committed a terrible faux pas!’

  ‘I know. Isn’t it wonderful?’

  ‘Wonderful? I’ve just gone and made a fool of myself with the archangel Gabriel! I said, “There’s been a dreadful mistake. This man’s a common criminal. He’s nobody special at all!” And Gabriel said, “Well, he is now.” And I said, “What?” And he said, “What’s your definition of special?” And before I had time to reply, he said that he thought a personal invitation to paradise from the Lord of Life made a person quite special enough, thank you very much. Then all the seraphim laughed their heads off. I tell you, if angels could blush, I would have gone golden.’

  Luminous turned to the criminal and bowed very low. ‘Your Grace, I really do apologize for any inconvenience my vacillations may have caused.’

  The criminal stared at the angel blankly. ‘Wot?’

  Luminous hastily produced some magnificent robes and began to put these over the astonished criminal’s shoulders. ‘Here, try these for size.’

  ‘’Ere, what’s all the flash threads for then, eh?’

  ‘The banquet. You’re the guest of honour.’

  ‘Somebody’s birfday, is it?’

  ‘Yes, yours. Incredible, isn’t it? The last person shall be first, and the first shall be last!’

  Cumulus was now helping Luminous dress the criminal in the most glorious apparel. She was laughing and crying as she sang, ‘Blessed be the Lord of Hosts!’

  Luminous was laughing too as he became overwhelmed with joy. ‘Amen. His wisdom is infinite!’

  ‘There is no limit to his mercy!’

  ‘Hallelujah! His love is everlasting!

  ‘Give thanks to his glorious name!’

  Luminous shook his head in sheer wonder. ‘In fact, the more hopeless, the better it is. It’s a pretty amazing thing, this gospel.’

  ‘Gospel?’ said the criminal. ‘Wot’s that?’

  Luminous was stumped for a moment. ‘Er . . . well, strictly speaking, it’s really justification by faith through . . .’

  ‘Jellification by wot?’

  Luminous turned anxiously to Cumulus. ‘We’re going to have to do something about explaining this to people, you know.’

  Cumulus nodded thoughtfully. ‘We may well have to rethink our theology.’

  ‘I can’t see what zoology’s got to do wiv it, mate,’ interrupted the criminal. ‘I was bein’ executed for me crimes an’ now I’ve landed up in paradise. It’s fff . . .’ He stopped himself in mid-flow, suddenly aware of his sensitive companions. ‘It’s flippin’ marvellous!’

  Luminous smiled at this. ‘Flippin’ marvellous,’ he repeated slowly. ‘Yes, that’s quite a good way of putting it.’

  Cumulus laughed merrily. ‘Fff . . .’ she echoed. ‘Flippin’ marvellous!’

  They all laughed at this as they walked off together to the banquet, shouting in unison, ‘Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! It’s FFF . . . FLIPPIN’ MARVELLOUS!’